Past.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Just got back from a full day rehearsal from 10 am to 10 pm... Walan shag sia... so sleepy now...
Tmr still got training.. D= -Stabs myself repeatedly-
Tired still wan blog is because sth happen and i got the urge to blog it out.
Oh yes, today i had a deja vu.. Like a particular moment happened as though it happened in the past b4. It was when the ojime fell from the stand and the moment i help carry up to the stage, the dejavu feeling came to me.. I stood there for a few seconds thinking y does the falling of ojime and the reactions of daikoreans look so familiar.. As though i once dream of it b4 or sth.. D= Damn creepy! My god.
It was so long, so so long, that i had people commenting on my nose.
You know wad, when i was in primary school, you know how childish primary school were, when i was quarrelling with a group of frens, they had commented harshly on how i look before. It was so harsh, that it affected my entire life. It made me think that everybody thought it that way.
They laughed at my nose. They said harsh words like how my nose looked funny, identical to a pig. It was pretty damaging to my entire life. Once that was said, i had a period of my childhood looking at the floor when i was walking. Wherever i go, i will keep lookin at the ground, thinking i look horrendous in peoples eyes. That im not pretty. That i have a pig nose.
Other things that made me had low self-esteem was people commenting on my teeth.
Since very young, i had people saying how flat my nose were when i was born. I remember very clearly how my grandfather keep teasing at my nose before while he pressed on it. I never like people lookin into my eyes, nor looking at me. I avoid as much as i could in the past. I became very self conscious, thinking whenever they look at me, deep down they are laughing at my nose. Even until now, i did not like people looking at me. Thats how i got my phobia in presentation. Even in daily life, i dislike walking into mrt or bus with so many people staring at u while u enter. I still hate taking transport, to the extend that i rather choose a lousy school but a walking distance than going to a better school that is just 1 stop away.
I always laugh at myself when people say that im pretty. I never actually believe that. I learnt to be self conscious since young. I hated how people comment on my looks. I even hate people pointing out about my nose. Today a person just did. And it made me realised it has been years since i have people commenting and made me realised how low self esteem i was in the past. Going into crowds was a torture. Now still does, but it just keeps reminding me that i have a ugly nose that made everything in me ugly. I din no how to react, for a moment it brought me back to primary school days. I still remember the scene when that classmates of mine commented on my nose. It changed my life.
Since secondary, hardly anybody comment about my nose. So i was more confident, maybe because i've forgotten and nobody drill the fact that my nose is ugly.
Mr Robin had once remarked that im a confident person after my trial speech. He said i was confident. I replied Huh, no im not. He said "You think you're not. But you are confident." Again, i was laughing, at myself.
I've been thru so many experiences on how people laugh at my physical appearance. Secondary school also have. IT WAS THOSE FUCKING ASSHOLES that made me so freaking ashame of myself and my body. They only no how to talk shit. They never actually think about how much people are hurt because of everything they did and say.
I hate my nose.
And also everything about myself. =(
LIMFENGLING